Cover Letter Controversy Collapses Countless Careers
This surprising excerpt is from Rob Rosner's Working Wounded column
[abcnews.com - October 23, 1998]:
Our winning cover-letter strategy comes from David F. in Tacoma,
Wash.: "No. 1 mistake is closing the cover letter with 'I look
forward to hearing from you.' When I'm looking for a new employee,
I'm looking for a self-starter, not someone who does the least amount
possible and hopes for the best. Applicants may think they're doing
me a favor by not following up, but they certainly aren't doing
themselves any favors. Other pet peeves are people who don't spell
my name correctly and cover letters that spend more time telling
me what the applicant wants, rather than what he or she can offer
my company."
This honestly surprises me - Rob Rosner writes about how poor slobs
like us are to survive a nasty work environment; here's a prime
example of the sort of dope one should avoid in the first place,
and Rob gives him a forum and accolades for being helpful. Yipes!
David F. is wrong - the #1 mistake in writing a cover letter in
this case is sending it to David F. - a near perfect example of
idiotic pointy-headed management. Any human resources manager who
thinks "I look forward to hearing from you!" implies the
writer lacks initiative represents a company culture one should
avoid at all costs. Unfortunately, there are so many idiotic managers
in the world this is extremely difficult. But this one manager at
least has given us a warning: he proves he does not understand basic
concepts of English language, meaning, and common forms of conversational
courtesy. Not a good start for a future career.
To help David F. in his journey into rationality and hopefully,
humanity, let's think of a letter closing or two that - within the
rules of language and meaning - might actually indicate sloth on
the part of the candidate. How about, "I realize I am sending
this letter almost one year after you placed the job advertisement,
but I simply couldn't find a pen..." or, "I really hope
to hear from you, but not too terribly soon, please, because I am
enjoying lazing around the apartment pool during this lovely warm
spell we're having."
It is considered nice to say, in many many social situations, "I
look forward to hearing from you." It's not smart or nice to
say, "I really do not wish to hear from you. I fear you might
not understand the English language, or you might be a nasty nit-picker,
an anal retentard, and a short-tempered imbecile. However, I am
willing to tolerate incompetence and nastiness for a brief period
if you will pay me money which will allow me to keep myself fed
and clothed and sheltered long enough to find a reasonable, intelligent,
kindly manager for whom to work."
In my experience, 99% of Human Resources managers or other corporate
recruiters never return telephone calls, answer inquiries, or do
anything except totally insulate themselves from the candidates
they have received resumes from or have interviewed. This constant
flow of silence is a horrible experience for people in a job search;
yet David F. insists they are to "follow up." Here is
my translation of this corporate speak: "Keep banging your
heads against the brick walls of silence and maybe we'll give you
a call once in a thousand years."
Many, many people in the world are working wounded. They are convinced
that the weirdness they experience every day is an essential part
of life - that there's no getting around working in hell. This just
isn't true. Here is a hard-earned word: No company will treat you
better than they do in their recruitment and interviewing process.
It's a honeymoon - you will never get treated better than this -
and it tells you everything you need to know about the place you
are attempting to work for. Everything.
And if the people and processes you experience suck, so does the
company they represent. If the honeymoon sucks it's not a good omen
for the marriage.
If you feel uncomfortable, mistreated, abused, disrespected, or
treated in any way less than human kindness, respect, interest,
and truthfulness deserve - it's a wacko outfit. Run away. If all
you hear is silence, no return phone calls - ever - you have a big
clue as to what the internal communication is like within that company.
Ask yourself: "Do I want to work for people who consistently
refuse to return my phone calls?" Follow up; but give them
three strikes and they're out.
All this is hard to do - if not impossible - when you're desperate.
OK - just don't plan to stay. Keep looking because you know there's
some really well-run outfit out there looking for you, and you'll
know it when you find it because it will feel perfect.
Cover Letter Controversy Collapses Countless Careers
by David Pickens 1999
